what are they saying?

i was at a design nerd judging for a very secret design nerd society all weekend long. i had to wake up at 630 am on saturday and sunday... haven't done such a horrible thing, with the intention of being productive all day long, since (i kid you not) high school. it totally fucked with my sleeping schedule, and after just waking up from a nap, i feel all cloudy, like i just got off of a plane from somewhere.

anyways, this design nerd judging got me thinking about something. do you ever wonder what people say about you when youre not around, yet easily identifiable? this weekend really made me wonder. so many conversations that i had started with things like:

"you see the guy in the grey sweater.... thats ____ _______ he's the design director at _______, and he's pretty cool"

or

"that's ____ ______, and i've heard things about her. i interviewed with her once, and she never got back to me. but i also heard that she abuses her assistants by making them sell her personal shit on ebay, so i really don't think i'd want to work for her anyway"

well, yesterday i intentionally wore a bright red dress. i woke up at the ass crack of dawn and threw it on. i totally did it on purpose. a bright, fire engine red, christmas-looking, sweater dress. and why? i did admit to doing it, in hopes of being noticed. and i totally was. an old man security gaurd caught me this morning and said "were you the one wearing that red dress yesterday?... today you look like a pretty school girl, and yesterday you looked like a woman, which are you?" ...because, today, after being hungover and tired, i wasn't trying to throw on another dress, and instead wore a contrasting outfit consisting of a black shirt, black scarf, black jeans, and converse. i can see why he was puzzled. i'm sure i looked like a totally different person.

i also knew i took a risk, because i could have stood out so much and reminded someone that i sucked when i worked for them, and then i'd be easy(-er) to point out...or i could have been easy(-er) to be pointed out as "that's elliette, she worked with us a few months... shes very talented"... or whatever nice things people say about others in little gossip sessions.

anywhoo... i'm saying all of this to say, it just really makes me wonder what people say about me when i'm not around. even amongst my friends. how am i really viewed? people tell me i'm funny, and nice, and that i have a great sense of style... with my obnoxiously bright clothes. but what do they say behind my back? within my circle of friends, i often wonder if i have some weird personality quirk that everyone sees but me. and within the design-nerd world, i wonder what all of my bosses ever REALLY thought of me--when they tell me to my face "you'll end up somewhere great... you have a great book". but what do they REALLY think? what secrets do they share amongst themselves, that they would never tell me to my face, that i would never know about, and therefore never be able to change?

no one wants to admit it, but its just human nature to gossip, even about the people in our lives that we love and charish the most. when i went home for christmas for instance, my brother was acting weird...and truth be told, he HAS changed, a LOT since he's gotten married, and in some ways not for the better. and my mother, not really knowing what to do about something that happened over the holiday simply told me "your bother is just a changed man after he got married..." in this tone... and of course, she would never tell him that to his face. she told me. but it's something that i'm sure he's not aware of. a quirk, that everyone see's but him. because i saw it, and then it was confirmed when my mother finally just put it out there.

what do people say about you, that they think first, and then finally come out and say to each other once they've compared notes? even if they are nice things. or mean things. even something that you may have never noticed about yourself... like, there was this woman i used to work with that had this weird snort/laugh thing that she did after EVERYTHING that she said. it was kind of like she had tourettes. but it was also a thing where, did she realize that she was known around the office, and easy to point out as "you know.... mary... the girl that does the weird laugh thing".........."OH RIGHT, HEEEEEEER".

i bet she doesn't even know that that's how people know how to direct other people in to her office.

i often wonder what am i known as? (i admit to wondering, but i dont really want to know, because it would just hurt my feelings)

i'm going to continue to wear my red dresses though. at least that will buffer the initial blow of what people say about me first.

******UPDATE: oprah says that you start not giving a shit what people think about you when you turn 40. janet jackson agreed when she was on the show. so. i guess i will stop caring about what other human beings think, or say about me in around 14 years.